camp was quite sweet...pics will be up soon, ask me for them.
FAMILY GUY KICKS ASS! here are some of the best and funniest quotes ever, in no particular order! Enjoy!
Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."
Judge: Im sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!
God: Here, let me light that for you, babe.
(Zap with Thunderbolt to the cigarette)
Girl: Hey, thanks!
God: Yep, magic fingers (chuckles).
(Zap with Thunderbolt to the girl incinerating her.)
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade! We're outta here!
Brian: And remember that time you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
(Scene cuts to Peter in the movie theater and everyone is crying, but him)
Peter: I got it! Thats the guy from "Big," ah Tom Hanks! Funny guy Tom Hanks, everything he says is a stich.
Tom Hanks' Character: I have aids.
(Peter laughs hysterically.)
Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."
Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?
Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.
Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!
Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
Tom Tucker: And now time for Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather Forecast. Ollie?
Ollie: It gon rain.
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.
Tom Tucker: And now over to Ollie Williams for the blackie punishment forecast, Ollie?
Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie!
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall KILL you.
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."
Peter: It's a beautiful baby girl!
Carol: Oh, a girl! I'm so happy!
Peter: But it has a penis. (Picks up scalpel.) I'll take care of that.
Lois: Peter, No!
Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!
Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this isn't my Batman glass.
Peter- Hey Brian! I turned the stairs into a waterslide!
Brian (after Peter falls down and starts screaming): I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because then you won't learn anything.
Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Peter: "Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled."
Lois: "Oh no Peter! How could they do that?"
Peter: "Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny...."
Lois: "Is there no hope?"
Peter: "Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot."
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.
Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.
Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: "Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that."
Stewie: "Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.
Gepetto: Whoops, I dropped my glasses. (Bends down, butt facing Pinochio.) Oh, by the way Pinochio, there were some cookies missing from the jar. Uh, did you take them?
Pinochio: No, pa. I didn't.
Gepetto: Are you sure you didn't?
Pinochio: No, pa. I'd never lie to you.
Gepetto: Are you sure? I mean, you could lie to me. And who knows? You may even get away with it.
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
Quagmire: (Running through mall and accidentally into the camera room)-Where am I, am I dead?
Security Gaurd:No, this is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
(Woman on Monitor has heart attack)
Quagmire: Oh my god! That one's having a heart attack(Runs to womans dressing room)
Quagmire:(Rubs womans chest and breaths in her mouth)
(Woman Becomes concious)
Woman#2:That was amazing.
Woman#3:You saved her life.
Woman#4:Thank god you know CPR.
Quagmire:What the hell is CPR?
Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes.
Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.
Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh as I said, 'Come.'
Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Peter (to Meg): Remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food.
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight!
Peter: Are you gonna eat that stapler?
TV Executive: You...can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?
Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah...now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?
Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?
Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!
Peter: A boat's a boat but a box could be anything! It could even be a boat!
Stewie: If your teachers ask about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: (crying): I got hit by a baseball.
Peter: And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Stewie: I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull.
Brian: Yes uh, well, Mr. Tucker it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance and uh, Chris got blamed for it. This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside down faced.
Stewie: (Shocked, he widens his eyes and slowly turns head towards Brian--Tom Tucker's son has an upside down face.)
Peter: Okay, okay, I have an idea. I'll be Charlie and you could all be my angels. (Turns to look at an ugly woman) Except for you, you be Bosley.
Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.
Peter: Don't worry Chris. Sometimes it's good not to fit in. (Flashback to veitnam)
Peter (dressed in a clown suit): You guys are stupid. Their gonna be looking for army people.
Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split ... and then one of you die
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
Death (Takes sip from mug and spits it out): Geeze, what did you make this hot cocoa with, crap?
Lois (Sighs): Well if you want me to make it again...
Death: No, no. I'm sorry, It's just that I asumed that you were going to make it with milk, not crap.
once again...family guy is the funniest show EVER!
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